pink floyd experience in Crystal Bay, NV - Oct 12, 2019 8 ...

[Let's Build] Attractions in a demon pleasure palace that aren't sexual

My players are going to be visiting the palace of a demon lord of pleasure who's more CN than CE. I want to show that despite his title, he represents all forms of pleasure and good feelings, not just sex. Also space in his realm doesn't work the same way as it does in the mortal plane. He essentially has an infinite amount of space to work with and can customize it as he pleases, so there are no size constraints.
  1. A casino to feel the thrill of gambling.
  2. A dining hall with an endless buffet that visitors are allowed to eat as much as they wish.
  3. An idyllic beach with perfectly white sand to relax or play on.
  4. An arena where gladiators brawl it out against each other. The point of it isn't to kill each other as much as make the battles look stunning to the audience.
  5. A hotel with the most comfortable beds possible. Here anyone with enough money can enjoy a good rest after all the excitement.
  6. A beautiful and well tended garden filled with aromatic flowers and sweet fruits.
  7. A vineyard where exquisitely-aged wine can be produced just by pressing the grapes. (u/_SovietMudkip_)
  8. A petting zoo full of the babies of dangerous creatures. (u/_SovietMudkip_)
  9. An opulent concert hall where the best musicians of the realms perform (u/_SovietMudkip_)
  10. A small, cozy looking wooden library, with a cushioned bay window where rain gently scatters against the glass and a cup of some hot liquid gently rising with steam. (u/QuietOracle)
  11. An owl-bear hugging zoo. Go to sleep in the embrace of their soft down. (u/QuietOracle)
  12. The room of sensory experiences. The room itself is fairly plain, with the main feature being long tables running the length of the room. On closer inspection there are fist-sized carved holes, each one holding a small round crystal... (u/QuietOracle)
  13. A room with dozens of sacks filled with beans, lentils and grains where visitors can put their hands in and let the contents run through their fingers. (u/_WhiteCubeCat_)
  14. A hag (or any other long nailed creature) giving visitors a scalp massage. (u/_WhiteCubeCat_)
  15. A museum of little-known or long-forgotten art pieces, sculptures, and history. (u/MoonlightMancer)
  16. A festival full of colors, music, and drinks. Everyone seems to love you, and you can’t stop laughing. (u/MoonlightMancer)
  17. A hallway of endless doors. In each room is someone you know, complimenting you endlessly, sharing every positive, even begrudgingly jealous thought they ever had about you. (u/MoonlightMancer)
  18. A room full of bubble wrap. (u/EmmaDrake)
  19. A hot spring/spa, with fluffy towels, those showers that are like rain with perfect water pressure, mud baths, and refreshing food and drink. (u/lionesslindsey)
  20. A room full of people that constantly give you validation and laugh at all your jokes. (u/CountryJeff)
  21. Never-ending line of gold chalices, crystal vases, silver artwork, and other valuables. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
  22. People who are “better” than you are marched in a stripped of their superior qualities. Beautiful people are disfigured and turned ugly. Wealthy powerful people are ruined and made to beg you for pennies. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
  23. Mass groups of people enter the room and tell you how they admire you and how wonderful you are. They stroke your ego and inflate your pride. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
  24. Servants do everything for you. Feed you, give you drinks, wash you, wipe your arse, etc. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
  25. You are given a wickedly barbed leather whip. A slave creature is bound to a post and you can whip this creature to inflict your wrath upon them as much as you desire. If the poor soul dies, another is brought in to replace them. (u/PutridMeatPuppet)
  26. 'Knight for a day'. The full experience; lance, shiny outfit, a squire, a trusty stead, a dragon and a princess/prince to rescue. (u/mr_earthman)
  27. The magical equivalent of a holo deck (u/cyber-viper)
  28. Wide, flat plain with the fastest vehicles in the multiverse (a good place to use the Avernus vehicles) (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
  29. A selection of cities and villages for you to destroy with war machines or your own magic. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
  30. A collection of wand that allow you to test out powerful magic. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
  31. A magical version of a movie theatre, allowing you to watch all manner of stories, true and legendary. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
  32. A moderately large pool where small battleships with tiny animated crewmen can be deployed in teams to shell and board each other for the audience's amusement. Honored guests can put their strategic abilities to a test against other players by directly giving orders to their ships, and in certain hours guests may even swim in the pool to live out the power fantasy of being a sea monster. (u/VIixIXine)
  33. A colorizer-device that transforms any clothes/armoweapons/other gear to any desired hue you wish (as long as it doesn’t affect the workings of the gear) (u/PaigeOrion)
  34. A grand screen, showing a nearly infinite number of (screen)plays from all space and time, including the show with the disgraced human paladin delivering a green baby gnome back to his home land through incredible odds. (u/PaigeOrion)
  35. A tiara that allows you to experience the sensory experience of a black cat as long as you wear it and close your eyes. (u/PaigeOrion)
  36. A plethora of small, multicolored blocks that will magically interlock with one another to render almost any architectural structure imaginable. (But don’t step on them barefoot!) (u/PaigeOrion)
  37. A band of musicians who are the perfect musical backup for any performances. Alone, they are more low key, but no less skilled, playing haunting melodies of unknown origin. (u/PaigeOrion)
  38. A massive walk-in closet where you can try in any clothes in any fashion you like. (u/Tezla44)
  39. A "schadenfreude" theatre, with shows that rely on slapstick and cringe comedy. (u/Martinus_XIV)
  40. A REALLY good chocolate fountain (u/BrokenBanette)
  41. A room designed to give you closure. When you enter this room, someone you loved and lost is there, sitting in a couch. The room feels vaguely familiar, but you can't place why. If Detect Magic is used, the room is full of magic (divination, transmutation, illusion) but the person seems like a normal person. You can chat with them for as long as you like. They behave just as you remember them, with the good and the bad. (u/ohsurenerd)
  42. A theatre performing the most magnificent tragedies. When you watch the performance, you find yourself completely enraptured: you cheer when things go right, scream when something terrifying happens, and moan and weep at the inevitable horrible ending. When you leave, it feels like removing a backpack full of lead that you'd been carrying for so long you'd forgotten it was there. (u/ohsurenerd)
  43. A room where there's a button, there's someone outside and it explains that if you enter there's a 50/50 chance of you dying or not, the room won't actually kill you and it's there just to make you feel the pleasure of near death experience. (u/SupremeGodDictator)
  44. A massage parlor with the universes best staff pampering your every need as you receive the most relaxing massage of your life whether it be scalp, back, foot, full body, etc. Has the worlds fluffiest towels and robes to luxuriate in while you wait or if you simply want to sit in a comfy chair and enjoy your ache free muscles. (u/Blue_Mando)
  45. An arena where you and your opponents heal near instantly, and you can fight endlessly (u/ellen-the-educator)
  46. A reenactment of your greatest failures in life, but this time they turn into your greatest achievements. (u/CountryJeff)
  47. A room with the world's finest works of art.... and a myriad of implements you can use to destroy them. (u/redrosebeetle)
  48. A torture chamber with mages on hand to create illusions of the people you wish to torture. Or increasingly realistic versions of them, depending on the level of magic you wish to implement. (u/redrosebeetle)
  49. A room full of gold and jewels you can roll around in, ala Scrooge McDuck. But woe betide anyone who tries to take a souvenir.... (u/redrosebeetle)
  50. As you're walking through the gardens, a person comes up to you. They introduce themselves as an adventurer who's also here on a quest. They seem to be the same class as you, and they're incredibly attractive-- almost exactly your type. You immediately click and end up spending the day together, talking about everything and anything. You tell them things you've never told anyone else before. They understand everything you tell them, almost innately, but they're still impressed by your feats and your stories. The two of you find an empty bedroom and close the door behind you. It's perfect in its imperfections. In the morning they're gone. No matter where you look, you can't find them. (u/ohsurenerd)
  51. A room lined with shelves and shelves of bottles and vials containing a crimson liquid flowing slowly (like a syrup), all with small labels on them. As you inspect the labels, you realize they've all got names on them: famous adventurers, kings and queens, great sages. If you drink one, you experience a selection of their memories as they experienced them: battles won, discoveries made, historical alliances and friendships being forged or broken... (u/ohsurenerd)
  52. A room that turns anyone that enters it into a child. It is full of every toy imaginable (u/arual_x)
  53. A tour of a chocolate factory. Kobolds work there, and the owner, who gives the tour, is a Metallic Dragon in Humanoid form. (u/arual_x)
  54. A fortune teller who has a Deck of Many Things with only the good cards. If you in any way offend them, they will sleight of hand vs perception check slip you a bad card instead. (u/arual_x)
  55. An island theme park of reanimated dinosaurs. The owner is a level 20 Necromancer called Hamm Johnand. (u/arual_x)
  56. A Virtual Reality style game that allows you to battle horrible monsters over and over again without risk of injury physical. But still allows you to gain XP... (u/arual_x)
  57. A perfect expanse of thick snowy ground. There is constantly a snowball fight going on. (u/arual_x)
  58. A giant room full of mattresses where everyone immediately gets a wonderful massage. (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
  59. A room where you get to torture all of your worst enemies (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
  60. A room where people applaud you, give you a trophy, etc (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
  61. A room where you get something that was denied to you (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
  62. A room full of gold and exquisite things, from beautiful furniture to magic weapons (u/Revanclaw-and-memes)
  63. A seemingly endless room where adventurers can drink a potion to grow wings and flit about to their hearts' delight (u/iriedashur)
  64. An ordinary classroom containing the adventurer's childhood friends, enemies, and their most hated teacher. Upon entering the room, the adventurer discovers that they are invisible, and free to pull pranks as they wish (u/iriedashur)
  65. A brightly colored room piled high with wrapped gifts, large and small, for the adventurers to open endlessly (u/iriedashur)
  66. A purple and black dragon named Ace who cooks you garlic bread and cake. (u/sanorace)
  67. A magic pair of goggles/glasses that simulate any “What if” question you pose to them. (u/lewiscann)
  68. A magical weather room where you can ask for any weather for your pleasure (I love listening to rain) (u/lewiscann)
  69. A room full of lounges with a floating slow burning piece of wood that warms the whole area, the piece of wood is so large you can see the flame spread through this piece of wood forever (u/lewiscann)
  70. A room where you can bite your fingernails and they grow back instantly ( so you can bite them some more )(u/razenastie)
  71. A room with incredibly weakened versions of powerful monsters. (u/Your_InsideMan)
  72. A vast room on wooden sculptures, oil, and torches. (u/Your_InsideMan)
  73. A zoo of sentient races (u/Paralytica)
  74. A collection of legendary heroes magically transfixed in blocks of ice. (u/Paralytica)
  75. Palanquin rentals (u/Paralytica)
  76. A booth that will remake your face whilst in the palace (ostensibly to make you more beautiful but it could be used for anything) (u/Paralytica)
  77. A magic chair that gives really good back massages (u/TenNinetythree)
  78. A playground where the slides and carousels are for adults (u/TenNinetythree)
  79. A room where you become a giant and can destroy cities and fortresses kaiju style. (u/Paralytica)
  80. Drug Olympics. A room with every drug imaginable to try. Leaving the room cleanses you of their effects. (u/Skitsafrit)
  81. No Pauses. A room that has the effect of making all conversations flow perfectly. No silence stretches too long, no one mishears you, and every topic segways perfectly into the next. (u/Skitsafrit)
  82. Deprivation Room. The room is so absolutely featureless and quiet, that you can meditate magnitudes better here than anywhere else. (u/Skitsafrit)
  83. A games room where you play against your perfect match (u/Nesurame)
  84. Similar to the previous, a games room where you're matched against nothing but weaker opponents (u/Nesurame)
  85. A smoky, dreamweed hookah lounge (u/reallyenjoyscarbs)
  86. A heist simulator where you always get away with the big diamond, chest, etc (thrill of theft) (u/reallyenjoyscarbs)
  87. A sauna room with a central pillar. Inside the pillar is a chamber containing a magic stone which can detect the exact temperature preferences of those inside, and making each person feel said preference. (u/TgagHammerstrike)
  88. An oval-shaped room with countless glass lotion bottles, with each smelling better than the last. If you look for a specific scent (no matter how rare), you'll certainly find it with the help of a goblin near the back of the room. (u/TgagHammerstrike)
  89. A room that consists of A bunch of mortals so utterly jaded from years of plesure seeking that they need the hardest of drugs and the wildest of sensations to feel anything,with lesser demons feeding on their pursuit of euphoria. Think the emperors children from warhammer 40k. (u/TgagHammerstrike)
  90. A buffet of the lids of yogurt/pudding cups to lick. (u/Hunter37594)
  91. An olfactory room that reads your memories and replicates smells that remind you of your most joyous moments. (u/lecorbusianus)
  92. A wildlife reserve for Druids to find new and exotic wild shapes. (u/lecorbusianus)
  93. A room with musical instruments that you're able to master immediately. (u/lecorbusianus)
  94. Zero gravity obstacle course. (u/lecorbusianus)
  95. A cooking class taught by a master chef that always seems to have enough time to guide you one-on-one. (u/lecorbusianus)
  96. An enchanter who allows you to relieve the best moments of your life over and over again. (u/lecorbusianus)
  97. An illusionary room that brings up past experiences and let’s you make different choices to fix mistakes or win arguments. (u/The_Rhibo)
  98. A murder simulator to allow an individual to live out the fantasy of killing that special someone. (u/Brann_The_Kid)
  99. A library full of blackmail and secret knowledge regarding historical and political figures. A conniving, plotting character’s dream! (u/MoonlightMancer)
  100. A room where you can see colors that shouldn't exist. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
  101. A room with a creature in a dark robe sitting at a table covered in maps and dice. He helps you play a strange game where you and your party make up characters that go on adventures while the robed creature acts as all of the other characters and determines new events. (u/Clickclacktheblueguy)
  102. ...
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I made a compilation of (almost all) GBF.wiki's April Fools Art Swap references.

Credits to Lumos96 for the some of the screencaps here.
(Please do note that the Expected column are just solely my opinions. If you have any other expectations for the April Fools Art swap of these characters, you might want to share with us here.)
Characters:
Name April Fool "Base Art" Expected
GBF Wiki's Vyrn Ball Vyrn Ball, but it's Red Sphere.
Main Character (untouched, really?)
Albert Albert in his Dragalia Lost rendition.
Aletheia Gandalf (Sir Ian McKellen), Lord of the Rings series
Alexiel Drawn Haruhi Suzumiya in Alexiel outfit (VA Joke: Aya Hirano)
Altair Altair (Assassin's Creed)
Andira Generic cartoon monkey
Anila Generic cartoon sheep Shawn the Sheep? Hibiki Tachibana? Okita Souji (F/GO)? Any freaking Aoi Yuuki role?
Anre A stock image of a potato replaced his body aside from her mustache, and his spear. Pringles
Anzu Futaba A stillshot of Anzu from the [email protected] anime, with a screenshot of a tumblr post.
Aoidos Crow (Show By Rock!!) (VA Joke: Kishow Taniyama)
Arthur (Event)) Arthur Read Arthur Pendragon) (Fate/Prototype)?
Athena Athena (Saint Seiya) Athena Asamiya (KoF)?
Ayer A stillshot from Fight Club?
Azazel Azazel being runned over by Bacchus' carriage in Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis anime. Fun fact: It's actually his low HP animation in-game.
Baal Demonic Baal (any depictions or illustrations from history, books, or other media)
Bakura (Yami) Bakura (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
Beatrix Beatrix (Platinum Sky) on an end subtitle from the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. Umineko Beatrice? Divine Comedy Beatrice?
Black Knight A black knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Fire Emblem Path of Radiance Black Knight/Zelgius?
Blazing Teacher Elmott Eikichi Onizuka (Great Teacher Onizuka)
Cagliostro 2019: Alessandro Cagliostro, 2020: Cagliostro (Symphogear)
Cagliostro (Dark)) Cagliostro (Transformed) (Symphogear)
Cagliostro (Summer)) More Symphogear Cagliostro
Caim Caim (Drakengard (PS2))
Cain (Grand)) CnC: Red Alert Kane (Joseph Kucan) Kain Highwind? Biblical Cain?
Cassius (Event)) Image manipulated (Society event spoilers!) Cassius with his head opened up in the fashion of a bottle cap.
Cassius (Summer)) Twitter post screencap.
Catherine (SR)) 2019: Katherine from Catherine. This too was removed from the wiki.
Cerberus Her render from Dragalia Lost, like Lily and Albert?
Ceylan and Clarisse
Charlotta Stock image of potatoes on a box Saber from Fate/stay night?
Charlotta (Light)) Stock image of a lightbulb on a potato. Specifically, a potato battery. Saber from Fate/stay night doing her Noble Phantasm?
Chat Noir 2019: Cat Noir (Miraculous: Tales Of Ladybug & Cat Noir,) although they removed it. Joker, but not in his GBF rendition? Lupin III? Any gentleman thief?
Chloe Kuro/Chloe von Einzbern
Chloe (Summer) Kuro/Chloe von Einzbern in a swimsuit.
Christina 2019: The poker game. 2020: Chris Yukine (Transformed) (Symphogear XV)
Clarisse Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an explosion in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Clarisse (Holiday)) Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an exploded Christmas tree in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Clarisse (Light)) Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an explosion with flare effects in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Clarisse (Valentine)) Drawn rendition of Clarisse with Djeeta and Cagliostro on an explosion with Valentine Chocolates as debris in the fashion of "Disaster Girl" meme.
Colossus Colossus (Marvel Comics) The Colossal Titan? The Colossi from Shadow of the Colossus game?
Cucouroux (SSR) "kokoro" (JP: heart) jokes
Cure Black and Cure White Their character design from their home series.
Dante Dante (Devil May Cry 1 render)
Dante (SR)) Dante (Devil Mary Cry 4 render)
Dante and Freiheit 2019: Some man carrying with a guitar case, featuring Freiheit from granbleu fantasy series. 2020: Dante (Unlockable Super Dante outfit) (Devil May Cry 4) with Freiheit. "Boomer Dante" as his uncap art.
Deliford Delibird (Pokémon)
Deliford (SR)) Delibird (Pokémon) in HD
Dorothy Aqua (Seiyuu Joke)
Drang (Grand)) "What are you gonna do, stab me?" image. Trivia: It was deleted last year, but it came back this year. Gintoki Sakata (VA joke: Tomokazu Sugita)
Drusilla A screenshot of emptied rupies (A reference to her Rupie-spending skillset.)
Eahta Kyoshiro Senyro (Samurai Shodown series)
Ejaeli Kirby with Mike ability (Kirby series)
Elmott "Elmo Rise" meme
Estarriola Kirby with Sleep ability (Kirby series)
Eugen Prinz Eugen (the real ship or its shipfu (Kancolle, Azur Lane) equivalent.)
Eugen (Grand)) Edited brown-hued Mr. Krabs (Spongebob Squarepants) with a eyepatch, and a shotgun. Prinz Eugen (the real ship or its shipfu (Kancolle, Azur Lane) equivalent.)
Europa Europa (moon)/Jupiter II, one of the moons of planet Jupiter. Europa (Fate/Grand Order)?
Eustace Eustace (Courage the Cowardly Dog)
Farrah (Summer)) Farrah Fawcett
Feather All kinds of "feather" in the game as a pun. From top to center, clockwise: Falcon Feather, Mystical Feather, Gleaming Feather, Zephyr Feather, Fortuitous Feather, Satin Feather, and Azure Feather. Missing are the Primarch Pinions, which they're also feathers.
Feather (SR)) Rock Howard (Fatal Fury and King of Fighters series)
Feather (Halloween)) An illustration of a black feather.
Feower Anpanman
Ferry A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry (Grand) A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry (Halloween) A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry (SSR) A ferry boat, or her pits.
Ferry and Tyre
Fif Kirby with Mirror ability (Kirby series) Doraemon (VA joke)
Forte Forte (Megaman series)
Fraux Yukiho Hagiwara (Punishing Fallen Angel) ([email protected] Starlight Stage: Cinderella Girls) (VA joke: Azumi Asakura)
Freezie Frieza (Dragon Ball Z series) (a "freezing" pun) A freezer.
Friday (Summer)) A stillshot from Rebecca Black's "Friday" music video (probably a thumbnail on Youtube.)
Gachapin The Holiday/New YeaAnniversary Roulette
Galadar The illustration of Pokemon Sword and Shield's Galar region.
Garma His original art with "Level 1 Crook" on top of it, referencing the infamous Mafia City ads (see Yuisis.)
Gawain Char Aznable with MS-06S Char's Zaku II (Mobile Suit Gundam), but somehow the wiki removed it. F/GO Gawain? F/GO Riyo Gawain?
Geisenborger An image of a hamburger (YUM.)
Ghandagoza Akuma (Street Fighter series, but on his Tekken 7 incarnation) after using the Raging Demon Rage Art (referencing Ghandagoza's FLB uncap art.)
Goblin Mage Goblin Mage (Final Fantasy IX)
Grimnir PriConne art of Kokkoro
Grimnir (Valentine)) PriConne art of Kokkoro (New Year)
Haaselia Kaguya (Dynamis Series summon) (moon puns.) The Moon from Soul Eater? The (damaged) Moon from Assassination Classroom? The (shattered) Moon from RWBY? Or that moon from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time?
Haohmaru Hyakkimaru from Dororo
Helel ben Shalem Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons) Koenma (Yu Yu Hakusho)
Io Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh) (pronunciation joke)
Io (Grand)) Nanoha Takamachi (Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha) (VA joke: Yukari Tamura)
Ippatsu This image with Ippatsu's face edited over the man's face.
Izmir Elsa (Frozen)
Jeanne d'Arc Jeanne d'Arc/Ruler from Fate/Apocrypha (Fate/Grand Order, initial art)
Jeanne d'Arc (Dark)) Jeanne d'Arc (Alter) (Fate/Grand Order)
Jeanne d'Arc (Grand)) Jeanne d'Arc/Ruler from Fate/Apocrypha (Fate/Grand Order, 4th Ascension art)
Jeanne d'Arc (SR)) Jeanne d'Arc (Santa Lily Alter) (Fate/Grand Order)
Jeanne d'Arc (Themed)) A screencap of Granblue Fantasy's maintenance page (only works when there's really a maintenance going on.) (referencing her banner started with the servers crashing.) Fate/Grand Order's version of Summer Jeanne).
Johann An image of Johann Strauss, himself or his son.
Joker 2019: Joker (Batman the Animated Series) 2020: still Joker (Batman: the Animated Series, but he's holding a card with his face on it.)
Karteira Tressa Colzione (Octopath Traveler) Francesca (Dragalia Lost)
Katalina (Grand)) Murgleis (her recuitment weapon) Herself rubbing Vyrn??
Kokkoro Rage of Bahamut art of Grimnir (Grimnir Returns)
Kolulu A photo of Yuuki Ono, Gran and Lancelot's voice actor, the Gislalord.
Korwa A Polish "kurwa" joke i.e. Stachu Jones?
Krugne Ryuji Otogi (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
Kumbhira Generic clip art of a boar on a bamboo.
La Coiffe Edward Scissorhands (Johnny Depp)
Lady Katapillar and Vira Vaporeon, Caterpie (Pokémon)
Laguna Laguna Loire (FFVIII), or the Laguna de Bay or the eponymous province in the Philippines.
Lamretta Any liquors? Johnny Walker? Absolut?
Lamretta (R) Any liquors? Johnny Walker? Absolut?
Lamretta (Water) Any liquors? Johnny Walker? Absolut?
Lancelot Lancelot (Saber) (Fate/Grand Order, 4th Ascension art) Lancelot (Berserker) (Fate/Grand Order?) Lancelot from Mike, Lu & Og?
Lecia Lecia's expression with 3 stars on her background (probably a joke as she's the only main story SR character (not counting Rein) without an FLB uncap.)
Leonora Kunoichi (Samurai Warriors)
Levi Leviathan (the Bible,) or the Leviathan/Leviathan Omega in-game?
Levin Sisters Top to bottom: Madoka Kaname (Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica,) Shuten-douji (Fate/Grand Order,) Hibiki Tachibana (Symphogear series.) (VA joke: Aoi Yuuki)
Lilele Ranka Lee (Macross Frontier)
Lily Lily in her Dragalia Lost rendition.
Lily (Event)) Clay Golem with an SR crystal above it.
Lobelia Cioccolata w/ his Stand, Green Day (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo)
Lucio Lucifer (Shin Megami Tensei series) with 3 image stock katanas and a pair of small wings edited behind him.
Lucius Dio Brando (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood, episode 1) (VA joke: Takehito Koyasu)
Lucius (Fire)) Dio Brando (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood, episode 3) (VA joke: Takehito Koyasu)
Lucius (SSR)) DIO w/ ZA WARUDO (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders) (VA joke: Takehito Koyasu)
Ludmila A mushroom poster named "Poisonous & Psychotropic Mushrooms", originally created by David Arora, a renowned mycologist.
Luna Kaguya Luna (a virtual Youtuber)
Lunalu (SSR)) Lunalu's event portait with a bunch of skill icons on her paper. Said skill icon is "Ground Zero," Sarasa/Threo's notable skill, in which it is notoriously used with Lunalu's Facsimile skill.
Mahira Generic clip art of a chicken with Mahira's string edited on it.
Maria Theresa Maria Theresa Amalia Walburga von Österreich, the ruler of Habsburg dominions, the Duchess of Lorraine, Grand Duchess of Tuscany and Holy Roman Empress.
Mariah Mariah Carey
Marquiares Megumin (KonoSuba) with an pair of angled shades edited in.
Medusa An edited image of a jellyfish with Medusa's eyes, and blushes. F/SN RideMedusa
Medusa (Promo)) Original art of Medusa with LogicLinks logo over it (refers to her required method of recruiting her.)
Melissabelle An MSPaint rendition of a corn.
Melissabelle (Valentine)) An MSPaint rendition of a corn, with a pink heart.
Mirin Kikkoman Aji-Mirin.
Monika FE Three Houses' Bernadetta (VA joke: Ayumi Tsuji), or Doki Doki Literature Club Monika.
Monika (Grand) FE Three Houses' Bernadetta (VA joke: Ayumi Tsuji), or Doki Doki Literature Club Monika.
Mugen A screenshot of a M.U.G.E.N. gameplay. Characters are "Oira GF" by yugusic, and the stage is the "The Grancypher" from Panda Hoodie Grl & friends.
Narmaya Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Narmaya (Holiday)) Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Narmaya (Summer)) Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Narmaya (Valentine)) Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Narmaya's head.
Nemone Original art, repeated all over the place (probably a reference to her catchphrase.)
Nezahualpilli A clip art of a "birdman" holding a spear.
Nicholas Genji (Overwatch)
Nier NieR (Gestalt) US PS3 box art Sakura Matou, or NieR Automata-related crap
Nina Drango "Blush Value" of characters in the wiki superimposed over each other.
Niyon Hiding in a cardbox in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. Probably a reference to her appearance in Grand Blues. Notte (Dragalia Lost)
Orchid 2019: A stock image of an orchid flower. 2020: Carl Clover and Deus Machina: Nirvana (Blazblue)
Owen Owen's character design in Shingeki no Bahamut: Manaria Friends.
Paris (Event)) The Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.
Pavidus A screencap of Willie McNabb's tweet.
Pecorine Original art with Mao Ichimichi (M・A・O)'s head edited over Pecorine's head.
Pengy Pingu
Percival Percy the Small Engine (Thomas and Friends)
Petra (SSR) JoJo Stand jokes.
Philosophia Anything regarding Philosophy.
Philosophia (SR) Anything regarding Philosophy.
Predator The Predator) from Alien vs. Predator
Rackam Various panels from Grand Blues of Rackam doing stupid things, and exploding.
Rackam (Grand) Laguna Loire (FFVIII)/Balthier (FFXII) (VA joke: Hiroaki Hirata)
Randall (SR) Sanji from One Piece, Hwoarang from Tekken series?
Rei Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion) (name joke) Anyone with bizarre things in their eyes (i.e. Ciel Phantomhive, Lelouch, Sharingan users, FREAKING SHIKI RYOUGI?)
Reinhardtzar (Grand) (don't bother, it's empty.)
Richard The Jewel Resort Casino Poker game
Richard (SR) The Jewel Resort Casino Poker game
Romeo (Event) Ramza Beoulve (Final Fantasy Tactics), or any similar designs from Akihiko Yoshida.
Rosamia Any of Yui Ishikawa's roles (2B, Enterprise, Mikasa, Violet Evergarden?)
Rosamia (SR) Any of Yui Ishikawa's roles (2B, Enterprise, Mikasa, Violet Evergarden?)
Rosamia (SSR) (She was once had a April Fool quirk, the Colony Laser from Mobile Suit Gundam, but somehow they removed it.) Any of Yui Ishikawa's roles (2B, Enterprise, Mikasa, Violet Evergarden?)
Rosetta (Grand) Kiara Sesshouin? (VA joke)
Sakura Shinguji The commercial with her VA, and Segata Sanshiro.
Sandalphon (Event)) An iPhone 5, with a phone case that looks like a Japanese slipper. It's a visual pun.
Sarunan (Dark)) Sarunan (Dark) in a jar of honey.
Scathacha Scathach (Fate/Grand Order) alternative: Scathach (Shin Megami Tensei)
Scathacha (Valentine) Scathach-Skadi (Fate/Grand Order)
Seofon His Eternal's Summer Vacation outfit, but focused on his abs and crotch.
Seox A Scooby-Doo parody of unmasking Seox, with Gran as Fred and him as a villain in a ghost costume.
Shao The Medicine Seller from Mononoke (no, not the Ghibli one.) (VA joke: Takahiro Sakurai)
Shiva 2019: A title screen of a game based on an Indian Nickolodeon show. 2020: Shiva (Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward)
Siegfried Saber of Black (Siegfried) from Fate/Apocrypha (Fate/Grand Order, 4th Ascension art)
Siegfried (Fire) Sieg from Fate/Apocrypha
Societte (Fire) A stock image of an helicopter.
Sophia Sophia, the Goddess (Warring Triad)) (Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward)
Spinnah 2019: A stock image of a fidget spinner, but somehow they deleted it.
Stan An album cover of "#" by the K-pop girlgroup LOONA. The term "stan" is used within the general pop fandom that means "stalker fan." It is mostly used within the K-Pop fandom.
Sturm (Grand)) Strum (Advance Wars (GBA))
Suzaku Kururugi I can't find them, there's only soup. I mean I'm at soup! I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!!!
Tanya Tanya Degurechaff (Saga of Tanya the Evil) (name joke)
Therese (Event)) Yugi Muto "dueling" (Yu-Gi-Oh!)
Threo 2019: Soul Balm > A stock image of a two-layered cake.
Tiamat Tiamat (Dungeons and Dragons) Beast II (Fate/Grand Order)
Tien Tien Shinhan (Dragon Ball) Something TH-related.
Tsubasa Tsubasa Kazanari (Symphogear XD Unlimited)
Tweyen A kitchen twine (probably a pronunciation pun)
Tyre There's no other reference like Gaston! (Beauty and the Beast, 1991 animated movie)
Uzuki Shimamura Z35 (Azur Lane) (Design and VA joke)
Vajra Generic clip art of a dog with a red scarf, while there's a similar looking fish down there.
Vane A wind vane.
Vania A red apple core (Vampy is core + (potential) The Twilight Saga) reference?)
Viceroy An Iron Cluster. (why?)
Vikala A cartoon illustration of a rat with balloons.
Vira Eevee (Pokémon)
Vira (Grand)) Sylveon (Pokémon) with Luminiera/Chevalier Bits
Vira (Promo)) Flareon (Pokémon)
Vira (SSR)) Umbreon (Pokémon)
Vira (Summer)) Leafeon (Pokémon)
Vira (Wind)) Jolteon (Pokémon)
Volenna (Event)) Lightning (Knight of Etro outfit) (Final Fantasy XIII-2)
Walder (Holiday)) Generic clip art of a man's head with a Christmas tree and Santa's hat at the top.
Wulf and Renie 2019: A stock clip-art of Red Riding Hood and a wolf. 2020: Akazukin (Otogi Jushi Akazukin)
Yggdrasil Suzuho Ueda ([email protected] Cinderella Girls: Starlight Stage, Smiling Tree+ art)
Yngwie Blastoise (Pokémon) Yngwie Malmsteen
Yodarha (SSR)) An illustration of Yoda (Star Wars) (nickname joke)
Yuisis Her original art with the phrase "Level 100 Boss" over it. Probably a reference to the infamous Mafia City ads (see Garma.)
Yuisis (Fire) 2B (Nier Automata)
Yurius Marluxia (Kingdom Hearts)
Zahlhamelina A stock image of a potato replaced her body aside from her hands, her staff, and the flames.
Zeta A photo of Kana Hanazawa.
Zooey Original art with a screenshot of a tumblr post over it.
Zooey (Promo)) Original art of Zooey with GBF-themed SMBC Visa credit cards on both hands (refers to her required method of recruiting her.)
If something's missing here (especially when they add more April Fools crap on the wiki while I make this,) or any mistakes here, leave a comment.
submitted by Kalafino to Granblue_en [link] [comments]

The Story of Joe Rogan and the Stern Show: “…my problem with Howard's version of the story is that it's complete horseshit"

Hello, Hello. Here's an original rundown of the events leading to Joe Rogan's eventual departure from the Stern Show. If you've enjoyed this, check out my previous behind the scene write ups on the bottom. Thanks.
Howard is kicking off promotion for his latest book Howard Stern: Comes Again. He gives a rare candid interview with David Marchese of the New York Times. David asks Howard about his thoughts on podcasts before turning his attention to Joe Rogan. “Is there an issue between you guys?” he asks. “Yeah, there is,” Stern replies. “I was a fan of Joe’s comedy. He does a great routine about working out with weights with his buddy in the basement, and before you know it, they’re having full-on gay sex.” In typical Stern fashion, he would go on to take credit for Rogan’s success. “So I was a big proponent of his before he was a host on TV, before he got into M.M.A. fighting or whatever. I used to have him on the show...” Stern said.
It’s the year 2000. Joe Rogan had just capped off a five year stint on NewsRadio, a NBC prime time comedy. It would feature the likes of Phil Hartman, who was tragically murdered by his wife in between production of the forth and fifth season. He had also been the backstage and post-fight interviewer for the UFC, a position he’d held for 2 years before quitting. Rogan’s comedy caught the eye of Warner Bros Records, who signed him to a three album deal. Joe would go on to release “I'm Gonna Be Dead Some Day...” on CD and cassette that year. It would gain a cult following thanks to the emergence of peer to peer file sharing in the form of Napster.
The album would get frequent airtime on The Howard Stern Show, where the opening track “Getting Pumped” became a favorite of Howard and the gang. Rogan would make his first appearance on the show September 18, 2000 and talked about the sketch. “My buddy, Bryan Callen, who I did the sketch with… he and I are always doing that, we’re always playing around like that...” It wasn’t long before Howard dug up memories of Joe’s childhood. More specifically, his experience with a pedophile at the age of 12. [AUDIO] “He’s like ‘You know, I just want to tell you that I love ya. You’re a great guy… Yeah, but you know, without sex there could be no real love...’ and I went, what? I just panicked.” He also opened up about his biological father, Joe Rogan Sr. “I haven’t spoken to him since I was seven years old.” His father would attempt to contact him once he started gaining some fame. “He’s tried to do it through his mother and once through his sister… Yeah, when I got on TV. He saw my name somewhere...”
The topic then turned to the murder-suicide of fellow costar Phil Hartman. [AUDIO] “How’d you find out?” Howard asked. “I went out on a date with a girl from Hard Copy. It was a bad date. I never went out with her again. She calls me like three weeks later at like 8:30 in the morning and wakes me up. I’m like ‘What are you waking me up for?’’ She would be one to break the news to Joe. “She’s like ‘You didn’t hear?… I don’t want to be the one to tell you… Phil’s dead’. Immediately after, she’s like ‘What’s going to happen to the show?’” Joe would continue. “It gets worse. I’m in shock. I’m in a coma. I’m turning on the TV. You know, I can’t believe this. Then she goes ‘Joe, we need to get a sound byte from you.’… So I hang up the phone. I’m like ‘I got to go.’ So then the phone starts ringing, everybody’s calling, everybody heard the news, all my friends… Twenty minutes later, she calls again. ‘Joe, um, how are you? OK?’ I’m like ‘I don’t know.’ She goes ‘Listen, we need to get your address.’ I go ‘Why?’, she goes ‘We’re sending a camera crew over. We have to interview you.’”
There was also talk about an incident with another costar, Andy Dick, on the set. [AUDIO] Rogan was in his trailer along with his girlfriend when Andy came knocking. “I was getting dressed and Andy starts pounding on the door. He’s like, ‘What are you doing? What are you doing in there? Are you having sex?’ I’m like, ‘No. Dude, I'm getting dressed. Get out of here’. He’s like ‘Just open up the door. I have to tell you something.’ So I open up the door and Andy’s standing there with his unit in his hand, with his pants half down and wacking it.”
Joe was a hit. He would become a regular from that day on, even sitting in during the show. He also returned to the UFC after an ownership change, where he was promoted to color commentator. More importantly, he became host of the hottest summer show of 2001, Fear Factor. This lead to legendary on air battles with Vinnie Favale, self appointed CBS spokesperson. Vinnie was actually Vice President of CBS Late Night Programming, East Coast, but couldn’t resist any opportunity to defend the network in any capacity. The two would argue repeatedly over the success of Joe’s hit show, which happened to be on a competing network. Usually, in complete denial, Vinnie would try to spin any dispute in CBS’ favor. The host of Fear Factor laid into him during an argument in the summer of ‘01. [AUDIO] “You’re a company man. This is sad. You’re the kind of guy that gets fired from his job and blows his brains out because you believe that everything revolves around your company. You are sucked in. ‘We’re going to kick your asses.’ It's not even you! You’re not even doing anything. You have nothing to do with Survivor. You have nothing to do with the programming. You have nothing to do with the success of it” he said. Their clashes would be a staple of Best Of in the early 2000’s.
However, the relationship between Joe and the show would come to an end in 2004. Stern would go on during that 2019 New York Times Interview. “Joe was a guest one time and I said something to him off the air, which I won’t go into, but he took offense. I haven’t heard or seen him since. I think he made the decision that I was toxic for him. But I hold no grudge.”
On the May 4, 2009 show, the Stern Show would discuss the controversy in some detail. [AUDIO] Howard kicks off the conversation with some tape he has from the previous night. “… So I told you Joe had some problem with me, so he discussed it with Greg Fitzsimmons.” “He wont discuss it with us?” Robin asks. “No, and you know, I remember the exact incident and everything and I knew this is what it was,” Howard says.
Joe would explain his version of events on Fitzsimmons show. “Well, I kind of explained it the last time I was here but, I just try to avoid drama, you know? He said something about me on the air that I didn’t like… He said I hate women and I was like, come on man, really? He said something about us being in a strip club, where we were all in a strip club, and he said, you know… He had did a thing in Vegas and he had hired out a whole section of this strip club. It was pretty bad ass... I remember I was really high and when I’m really high, I can’t get lap dances. It just weirds me out. It’s just too freaky. You can feel this person really doesn’t want to do this, this is their job, then you start thinking about their past. So anyway, he starts saying that I said to them ‘Get away, whores’, which I’d never say. It’s just not true… For me, first of all, it’s like I'm going to have to defend that and whenever you’re defending something like that, it always automatically looks like you’re being defensive because it’s bullshit.” Joe continued, making sure to be clear there were no hard feelings. “I don’t want to even be involved and I just said, I'll just be a fan again… and I listen all the time.”
Howard would shoot back. “I’ll tell you the whole story and Joe’s right. It’s better that Joe doesn’t come on again because he’s building this thing up. You know, first of all, I’m somebody who has guests on and I try to make them comfortable when they’re on the show and I try to be a good interviewer and I also try to, you know, create something. We were in Vegas. Joe showed up to a strip club. It wasn’t my event. I was at a strip club. They had invited us over, am I correct? We were there. I think one of our guys was making an appearance there...
“… Maybe Joe was high or something. He was saying shit about some of the strippers and I said to him on the air that it seems like you’re angry with women. You know, you were just kind of pissed off. He was hateful, you know. You can make the same statements about me about what I do for a living…
“… He was saying stuff to me about the women… He seemed angry and I said to him sometimes it seems like you’re angry with women. What was going on that night? I don’t think he wanted that out there or as he says he didn’t say it or maybe I misheard it…”
Gary would jump into the studio and add his own version of events. “I always thought it was about something I talked about on the radio. Maybe it is something different. I remember we went out one night… We walked into the strip club and Joe goes ‘These girls are all fucking, you know, God, they’re all fucking damaged. I fucking hate these chicks. I’m not even going to get a lap dance,’” Gary said.
Howard would continue and even for a moment, he would second guess himself. “I didn’t mean it as a whole intellectual… I thought Joe would say ‘Hey, Howard. Come on, man. I was tired...’ or you know we’d have some interesting conversation about it but Joe took it really personally and I understand that he did. Now in retrospect, maybe I’m looking at it and going...” but Gary wouldn’t let his boss show weakness. “I don’t know Howard. I think he’s overreacting.” Gary would continue, “We did a lot of good things for him. We had him on the show. You know, we helped him out a lot in a lot of ways. I think at one point I had a discussion with his manager and he’s like ‘You know, if Howard was a friend he would never had said it’ and I said ‘Well, if Joe was a friend, he would have asked about it and discussed it instead of just never talking about it.’”
Howard would end the segment questioning Rogan’s version of events with his own evidence. “According to our show log, it shows that Gary was the one who said Joe called the girls whores. I had also heard Joe saying some stuff and I said to Joe ‘Joe, sometimes it seems like you were angry that night with women’ and I wanted him to talk about it on the air but I guess it was a road he didn’t want to go down.”
The day in question is February 7, 2002. The Stern Show is broadcasting from the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas on delay. Joe Rogan was the first guest on their opening day. Howard got into a discussion about the previous night.
[AUDIO]
Howard: … then we went over to Club Paradise, the strip club. Then I figured I'd just walk in there and not know anyone. Everyone was there from the show.
Artie: Well I had a big appearance there.
Howard: Yeah, Artie had an appearance there and Stuttering John has one there tonight, but Joe Rogan, you try to act like you’re above the strip club.
Joe Rogan: No. What are you talking about? How am I trying to act like I'm above it?
Howard: You’re always like, ‘Ah, these girls [mumbles incoherently]’
Joe Rogan: What? They’re hot. What are you talking about?
Howard: Yeah.
Joe Rogan: No such thing.
Howard: Alright, I thought… then I just see you sitting there.
Joe Rogan: What are you talking about? You’re making this up.
Gary: Joe uses the word whore about 20 times an hour.
Howard: Yeah, he says ‘these whores’, this, that, and the other.
Joe Rogan: I don’t say it like that. I don’t say it that way. I say it in an affectionate way.
Howard: I think you’re angry with women.
Robin: Well, he does that whole routine about the girls who are angry because he’s using a dollar to get them to take off their clothes.
Howard: That is a good routine…
Stuttering John: …When we were at the pool Howard, you know, Joe looks at me and he goes ‘Look, these are lower shelf hookers here tonight’.
Joe Rogan: That was the first crew.
Howard: They were lovely ladies.
Joe Rogan: Oh, stop Howard. That first crew was rough. Mr. Miyagi with the fake boobs.
Howard: You think because a girl takes her clothes off and dances that she’s a whore?
Joe Rogan: No, not all of them.
Stuttering John: Bottom shelf whores is what he said. That’s what it was.
Joe Rogan: The first crew…
Club Paradise Stripper: Look at you, you Fear Factor guy. You’re just paranoid with women.
Joe Rogan: You’re hot. You girls are hot. I’m not talking about you.
Club Paradise Stripper: Look at you. You were so mean yesterday. You were mean.
Joe Rogan: Mean to who? How was I mean? To you?
The moment ended up being rather uneventful. In fact, this wouldn’t be Joe’s last appearance on the show. He would stop by the studio several more times, most notably on September 22, 2003. Joe is in the studio to promote Fear Factor, The Man Show, and UFC. In what may or may not be a coincidence, there is a woman in the green room waiting to play Stump the Booey who just so happens to have slept with Joe Rogan.
Gary would burst into he studio while Joe was on the couch. “You know, there’s something really weird. We have these girls that are coming on next segment. They’re playing Stump the Booey against me. They’re twins. One of the girls heard Joe on and she’s like ‘ Oh, I have a story about Joe.’”
Her name was Crystal. [AUDIO] “He was my first one night stand,” she said. Joe would vaguely remember the two hooking up many years ago. What she said next would nearly have Joe’s eyes popping out of his head. “… After that wonderful one night stand, I got pregnant,” she announced to millions of radio listeners. Joe was in a state of shock as it was the first time he was hearing the news. “How old is your son or daughter?” Howard asked. “I never kept it,” she replied. The news would send Joe into frenzy, as if Maury Povich himself had opened up an envelope with the DNA results. “Thank you, Jesus!” Rogan screamed. Howard asked Joe if he was nervous that she was going to bring the kid in. “Well, it was a little creepy right there for a moment,” he replied.
Crystal would then go on to talk about her decision to have an abortion. Joe would interrupt. “I’m so nervous right now. My heart is skipping.” Howard asks “What scares you most about that? The fact that you have a kid, that you have to pay… what would scare you the most? Joe didn’t hesitate. “It’s that I would be connected to someone that I really don’t know for the rest of my life and I’d have to deal with her every time I wanted to see the kid, if I wanted to see the kid.” He then admitted it wasn’t even his first abortion predicament. “The other time was when I was 23. It was a girl I was dating”
Fast forwarding to 2004, we find what might have been Joe’s last straw with the show. While previously citing show logs during that 2009 discussion, Howard would make the claim he never made the “Get away, whores” comment. Instead, he would place the blame on Gary. However, a discussion that took place on September 22, 2004 would prove that statement to be false. Comedienne Bonnie McFarlane had stopped by the show and sat in for the news. She was once a writer for The Man Show when it was hosted by Rogan and Doug Stanhope. [AUDIO] While discussing Rogan, Howard would go on to say, “Joe hates women… Joe’s weird. I’ve gone to strip clubs with him and he’s like ‘get away from me, whore.’” Robin would continue the onslaught. “… Even when we were in Vegas together and there were stripper dancers, he was yelling all kinds of horrible things. I was like ‘these women aren’t doing anything to you. Why are you screaming at them?’” They would continue with allegations of Joe yelling at the Juggies, a nickname given to the Man Show dancers. Bonnie would go on to say Joe was the biggest supporter of the Juggies, often yelling at the director for his treatment of the females. However, he would usually follow that up with yelling of his own.
Around 2007, a topic on the incident would appear on the mma.tv message boards. Rogan himself would reply to the allegations. It would be the most detailed version of events during this whole controversy.
… my problem with Howard's version of the story is that it's complete horseshit. I never said ‘get away whores’ to anyone. We were at a party that they were throwing for the show, and there were a lot of pretty strippers, but there were also a lot of unattractive, aggressive ones that were trying to get guys to buy lapdances. Howard, and some of the other guys were getting them, and I didn't want one. The girls were pushy, and all I kept saying is ‘no thanks.’ Somehow, that got turned into ‘get away, whores’ when he got on the radio.
“Howard likes drama, real or created. It makes for good radio. That's all well and good, but I choose not to be put on the defensive for something that I never did. Also, I've got a real pet peeve with the whole ‘you hate women’ tag. It's a weak line that people will throw around to try to define someone, often if they don't like or have a problem with dumb or obnoxious chicks. If you have a problem with dumb dudes, no one ever says that ‘you hate men,’ but you get in one argument with a pushy cunt and that's the cop out they'll always try to use. It's like a lazy black guy that gets reprimanded at work for doing a shitty job, and he cries that the reason he's getting in trouble is because the boss doesn't like black people.
“When you've got a guy that you respect and admire, and you've done his show a bunch of times you think that you're friends. Then, when that guy turns on you and talks shit about you, especially shit that's not true, it's a gross feeling. I'm a loyal friend, and that shit means a lot to me.
“If I had a friend outside of show business and he gave a distorted account of me like that, I would stop hanging around with him, and I wouldn't trust him anymore. I treat my friends in show business the same way I treat my friends in real life.
“As for Howard, I have no ill feelings. I was always a huge fan of the show, and it was an honor to be on it. When I decided to avoid doing the show after this, I started doing Opie and Anthony, and I really enjoyed their show. Jim Norton is a buddy of mine from way back when we both were starting out as stand ups, and I really fucking love being on that show. Plus, I think Norton is the funniest guy on radio. I'll probably do Stern again sometime, I just thought that whole situation was really weak, and I didn't want to be a part of it...
“I still listen to Stern all the time, and I think it's a great show. I've always considered him to be the Johnny Carson of my era. In past eras it was HUGE to get on the tonight show with Johnny and have him ask you to sit on the couch. In my generation, it's Stern. He's the King for a reason. No hate, I just don't feel like being a part of the kind of shit I described….”
Joe would copy and paste his response on the Official Joe Rogan Forum along with a small update:
“ In reading the post back after flying across the Atlantic Ocean (on my way to UFC in Belfast) I had time to think about it, and I think there definitely could be a very convincing argument that I had sand in my vagina when I made it, but I did make it, so i left it up.
“I'm certainly not trying to get in some sort of a battle with a guy that's helped me out, and a guy that I respect very much….”
Joe Rogan would go on to be very complimentary of Stern in the following years. Even when Howard would go on to attack close friend Ari Shaffir about the legitimacy of podcasts, Rogan would continue to show his appreciation for the self appointed King of All Media.
Vinny Favale would continue to take shots at Rogan after his show absence. In a conversation that would take place on March 9, 2005, Gary would question Vinny’s expertise on everything network TV. “I was watching Fear Factor in syndication yesterday on UPN and you told Joe Rogan that show was done, it had a few months left, and it was over”. Vinny, notorious for being the ultimate company man responded, “That show is not a hit though… Where is Joe Rogan? You don’t see him anywhere”.
Rogan would go on to be on of the most listened to voices in the world with the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Vinny Favale would later be pushed out of CBS after allegations of misconduct, which included talking to fellow employees about his erections. New Late Show host Stephen Colbert would distance himself from the creator of the infamous Debbie tapes. “He [Favale] basically came with the building when I got this show...”
If you've enjoyed this, I've also written other original behind the scene rundowns of moments in show history:
submitted by cormano to howardstern [link] [comments]

A thousand words wasn't enough? Here's five thousand.

List acquired here.
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The Story of Joe Rogan and the Stern Show: “…my problem with Howard's version of the story is that it's complete horseshit"

(Crosspost from howardstern) https://www.reddit.com/howardstern/comments/chm9yx/the_story_of_joe_rogan_and_the_stern_show_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

The Story of Joe Rogan and the Stern Show: “…my problem with Howard's version of the story is that it's complete horseshit"📷
Hello, Hello. Here's an original rundown of the events leading to Joe Rogan's eventual departure from the Stern Show. If you've enjoyed this, check out my previous behind the scene write ups on the bottom. Thanks.
Howard is kicking off promotion for his latest book Howard Stern: Comes Again. He gives a rare candid interview with David Marchese of the New York Times. David asks Howard about his thoughts on podcasts before turning his attention to Joe Rogan. “Is there an issue between you guys?” he asks. “Yeah, there is,” Stern replies. “I was a fan of Joe’s comedy. He does a great routine about working out with weights with his buddy in the basement, and before you know it, they’re having full-on gay sex.” In typical Stern fashion, he would go on to take credit for Rogan’s success. “So I was a big proponent of his before he was a host on TV, before he got into M.M.A. fighting or whatever. I used to have him on the show...” Stern said.
It’s the year 2000. Joe Rogan had just capped off a five year stint on NewsRadio, a NBC prime time comedy. It would feature the likes of Phil Hartman, who was tragically murdered by his wife in between production of the forth and fifth season. He had also been the backstage and post-fight interviewer for the UFC, a position he’d held for 2 years before quitting. Rogan’s comedy caught the eye of Warner Bros Records, who signed him to a three album deal. Joe would go on to release “I'm Gonna Be Dead Some Day...” on CD and cassette that year. It would gain a cult following thanks to the emergence of peer to peer file sharing in the form of Napster.
The album would get frequent airtime on The Howard Stern Show, where the opening track “Getting Pumped” became a favorite of Howard and the gang. Rogan would make his first appearance on the show September 18, 2000 and talked about the sketch. “My buddy, Bryan Callen, who I did the sketch with… he and I are always doing that, we’re always playing around like that...” It wasn’t long before Howard dug up memories of Joe’s childhood. More specifically, his experience with a pedophile at the age of 12. [AUDIO] “He’s like ‘You know, I just want to tell you that I love ya. You’re a great guy… Yeah, but you know, without sex there could be no real love...’ and I went, what? I just panicked.” He also opened up about his biological father, Joe Rogan Sr. “I haven’t spoken to him since I was seven years old.” His father would attempt to contact him once he started gaining some fame. “He’s tried to do it through his mother and once through his sister… Yeah, when I got on TV. He saw my name somewhere...”
The topic then turned to the murder-suicide of fellow costar Phil Hartman. [AUDIO] “How’d you find out?” Howard asked. “I went out on a date with a girl from Hard Copy. It was a bad date. I never went out with her again. She calls me like three weeks later at like 8:30 in the morning and wakes me up. I’m like ‘What are you waking me up for?’’ She would be one to break the news to Joe. “She’s like ‘You didn’t hear?… I don’t want to be the one to tell you… Phil’s dead’. Immediately after, she’s like ‘What’s going to happen to the show?’” Joe would continue. “It gets worse. I’m in shock. I’m in a coma. I’m turning on the TV. You know, I can’t believe this. Then she goes ‘Joe, we need to get a sound byte from you.’… So I hang up the phone. I’m like ‘I got to go.’ So then the phone starts ringing, everybody’s calling, everybody heard the news, all my friends… Twenty minutes later, she calls again. ‘Joe, um, how are you? OK?’ I’m like ‘I don’t know.’ She goes ‘Listen, we need to get your address.’ I go ‘Why?’, she goes ‘We’re sending a camera crew over. We have to interview you.’”
There was also talk about an incident with another costar, Andy Dick, on the set. [AUDIO] Rogan was in his trailer along with his girlfriend when Andy came knocking. “I was getting dressed and Andy starts pounding on the door. He’s like, ‘What are you doing? What are you doing in there? Are you having sex?’ I’m like, ‘No. Dude, I'm getting dressed. Get out of here’. He’s like ‘Just open up the door. I have to tell you something.’ So I open up the door and Andy’s standing there with his unit in his hand, with his pants half down and wacking it.”
Joe was a hit. He would become a regular from that day on, even sitting in during the show. He also returned to the UFC after an ownership change, where he was promoted to color commentator. More importantly, he became host of the hottest summer show of 2001, Fear Factor. This lead to legendary on air battles with Vinnie Favale, self appointed CBS spokesperson. Vinnie was actually Vice President of CBS Late Night Programming, East Coast, but couldn’t resist any opportunity to defend the network in any capacity. The two would argue repeatedly over the success of Joe’s hit show, which happened to be on a competing network. Usually, in complete denial, Vinnie would try to spin any dispute in CBS’ favor. The host of Fear Factor laid into him during an argument in the summer of ‘01. [AUDIO] “You’re a company man. This is sad. You’re the kind of guy that gets fired from his job and blows his brains out because you believe that everything revolves around your company. You are sucked in. ‘We’re going to kick your asses.’ It's not even you! You’re not even doing anything. You have nothing to do with Survivor. You have nothing to do with the programming. You have nothing to do with the success of it” he said. Their clashes would be a staple of Best Of in the early 2000’s.
However, the relationship between Joe and the show would come to an end in 2004. Stern would go on during that 2019 New York Times Interview. “Joe was a guest one time and I said something to him off the air, which I won’t go into, but he took offense. I haven’t heard or seen him since. I think he made the decision that I was toxic for him. But I hold no grudge.”
On the May 4, 2009 show, the Stern Show would discuss the controversy in some detail. [AUDIO] Howard kicks off the conversation with some tape he has from the previous night. “… So I told you Joe had some problem with me, so he discussed it with Greg Fitzsimmons.” “He wont discuss it with us?” Robin asks. “No, and you know, I remember the exact incident and everything and I knew this is what it was,” Howard says.
Joe would explain his version of events on Fitzsimmons show. “Well, I kind of explained it the last time I was here but, I just try to avoid drama, you know? He said something about me on the air that I didn’t like… He said I hate women and I was like, come on man, really? He said something about us being in a strip club, where we were all in a strip club, and he said, you know… He had did a thing in Vegas and he had hired out a whole section of this strip club. It was pretty bad ass... I remember I was really high and when I’m really high, I can’t get lap dances. It just weirds me out. It’s just too freaky. You can feel this person really doesn’t want to do this, this is their job, then you start thinking about their past. So anyway, he starts saying that I said to them ‘Get away, whores’, which I’d never say. It’s just not true… For me, first of all, it’s like I'm going to have to defend that and whenever you’re defending something like that, it always automatically looks like you’re being defensive because it’s bullshit.” Joe continued, making sure to be clear there were no hard feelings. “I don’t want to even be involved and I just said, I'll just be a fan again… and I listen all the time.”
Howard would shoot back. “I’ll tell you the whole story and Joe’s right. It’s better that Joe doesn’t come on again because he’s building this thing up. You know, first of all, I’m somebody who has guests on and I try to make them comfortable when they’re on the show and I try to be a good interviewer and I also try to, you know, create something. We were in Vegas. Joe showed up to a strip club. It wasn’t my event. I was at a strip club. They had invited us over, am I correct? We were there. I think one of our guys was making an appearance there...
“… Maybe Joe was high or something. He was saying shit about some of the strippers and I said to him on the air that it seems like you’re angry with women. You know, you were just kind of pissed off. He was hateful, you know. You can make the same statements about me about what I do for a living…
“… He was saying stuff to me about the women… He seemed angry and I said to him sometimes it seems like you’re angry with women. What was going on that night? I don’t think he wanted that out there or as he says he didn’t say it or maybe I misheard it…”
Gary would jump into the studio and add his own version of events. “I always thought it was about something I talked about on the radio. Maybe it is something different. I remember we went out one night… We walked into the strip club and Joe goes ‘These girls are all fucking, you know, God, they’re all fucking damaged. I fucking hate these chicks. I’m not even going to get a lap dance,’” Gary said.
Howard would continue and even for a moment, he would second guess himself. “I didn’t mean it as a whole intellectual… I thought Joe would say ‘Hey, Howard. Come on, man. I was tired...’ or you know we’d have some interesting conversation about it but Joe took it really personally and I understand that he did. Now in retrospect, maybe I’m looking at it and going...” but Gary wouldn’t let his boss show weakness. “I don’t know Howard. I think he’s overreacting.” Gary would continue, “We did a lot of good things for him. We had him on the show. You know, we helped him out a lot in a lot of ways. I think at one point I had a discussion with his manager and he’s like ‘You know, if Howard was a friend he would never had said it’ and I said ‘Well, if Joe was a friend, he would have asked about it and discussed it instead of just never talking about it.’”
Howard would end the segment questioning Rogan’s version of events with his own evidence. “According to our show log, it shows that Gary was the one who said Joe called the girls whores. I had also heard Joe saying some stuff and I said to Joe ‘Joe, sometimes it seems like you were angry that night with women’ and I wanted him to talk about it on the air but I guess it was a road he didn’t want to go down.”
The day in question is February 7, 2002. The Stern Show is broadcasting from the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas on delay. Joe Rogan was the first guest on their opening day. Howard got into a discussion about the previous night.
[AUDIO]
Howard: … then we went over to Club Paradise, the strip club. Then I figured I'd just walk in there and not know anyone. Everyone was there from the show. Artie: Well I had a big appearance there. Howard: Yeah, Artie had an appearance there and Stuttering John has one there tonight, but Joe Rogan, you try to act like you’re above the strip club. Joe Rogan: No. What are you talking about? How am I trying to act like I'm above it? Howard: You’re always like, ‘Ah, these girls [mumbles incoherently]’ Joe Rogan: What? They’re hot. What are you talking about? Howard: Yeah. Joe Rogan: No such thing. Howard: Alright, I thought… then I just see you sitting there. Joe Rogan: What are you talking about? You’re making this up. Gary: Joe uses the word whore about 20 times an hour. Howard: Yeah, he says ‘these whores’, this, that, and the other. Joe Rogan: I don’t say it like that. I don’t say it that way. I say it in an affectionate way. Howard: I think you’re angry with women. Robin: Well, he does that whole routine about the girls who are angry because he’s using a dollar to get them to take off their clothes. Howard: That is a good routine… Stuttering John: …When we were at the pool Howard, you know, Joe looks at me and he goes ‘Look, these are lower shelf hookers here tonight’. Joe Rogan: That was the first crew. Howard: They were lovely ladies. Joe Rogan: Oh, stop Howard. That first crew was rough. Mr. Miyagi with the fake boobs. Howard: You think because a girl takes her clothes off and dances that she’s a whore? Joe Rogan: No, not all of them. Stuttering John: Bottom shelf whores is what he said. That’s what it was. Joe Rogan: The first crew… Club Paradise Stripper: Look at you, you Fear Factor guy. You’re just paranoid with women. Joe Rogan: You’re hot. You girls are hot. I’m not talking about you. Club Paradise Stripper: Look at you. You were so mean yesterday. You were mean. Joe Rogan: Mean to who? How was I mean? To you?
The moment ended up being rather uneventful. In fact, this wouldn’t be Joe’s last appearance on the show. He would stop by the studio several more times, most notably on September 22, 2003. Joe is in the studio to promote Fear Factor, The Man Show, and UFC. In what may or may not be a coincidence, there is a woman in the green room waiting to play Stump the Booey who just so happens to have slept with Joe Rogan.
Gary would burst into he studio while Joe was on the couch. “You know, there’s something really weird. We have these girls that are coming on next segment. They’re playing Stump the Booey against me. They’re twins. One of the girls heard Joe on and she’s like ‘ Oh, I have a story about Joe.’”
Her name was Crystal. [AUDIO] “He was my first one night stand,” she said. Joe would vaguely remember the two hooking up many years ago. What she said next would nearly have Joe’s eyes popping out of his head. “… After that wonderful one night stand, I got pregnant,” she announced to millions of radio listeners. Joe was in a state of shock as it was the first time he was hearing the news. “How old is your son or daughter?” Howard asked. “I never kept it,” she replied. The news would send Joe into frenzy, as if Maury Povich himself had opened up an envelope with the DNA results. “Thank you, Jesus!” Rogan screamed. Howard asked Joe if he was nervous that she was going to bring the kid in. “Well, it was a little creepy right there for a moment,” he replied.
Crystal would then go on to talk about her decision to have an abortion. Joe would interrupt. “I’m so nervous right now. My heart is skipping.” Howard asks “What scares you most about that? The fact that you have a kid, that you have to pay… what would scare you the most? Joe didn’t hesitate. “It’s that I would be connected to someone that I really don’t know for the rest of my life and I’d have to deal with her every time I wanted to see the kid, if I wanted to see the kid.” He then admitted it wasn’t even his first abortion predicament. “The other time was when I was 23. It was a girl I was dating”
Fast forwarding to 2004, we find what might have been Joe’s last straw with the show. While previously citing show logs during that 2009 discussion, Howard would make the claim he never made the “Get away, whores” comment. Instead, he would place the blame on Gary. However, a discussion that took place on September 22, 2004 would prove that statement to be false. Comedienne Bonnie McFarlane had stopped by the show and sat in for the news. She was once a writer for The Man Show when it was hosted by Rogan and Doug Stanhope. [AUDIO] While discussing Rogan, Howard would go on to say, “Joe hates women… Joe’s weird. I’ve gone to strip clubs with him and he’s like ‘get away from me, whore.’”Robin would continue the onslaught. “… Even when we were in Vegas together and there were stripper dancers, he was yelling all kinds of horrible things. I was like ‘these women aren’t doing anything to you. Why are you screaming at them?’” They would continue with allegations of Joe yelling at the Juggies, a nickname given to the Man Show dancers. Bonnie would go on to say Joe was the biggest supporter of the Juggies, often yelling at the director for his treatment of the females. However, he would usually follow that up with yelling of his own.
Around 2007, a topic on the incident would appear on the mma.tv message boards. Rogan himself would reply to the allegations. It would be the most detailed version of events during this whole controversy.
… my problem with Howard's version of the story is that it's complete horseshit. I never said ‘get away whores’ to anyone. We were at a party that they were throwing for the show, and there were a lot of pretty strippers, but there were also a lot of unattractive, aggressive ones that were trying to get guys to buy lapdances. Howard, and some of the other guys were getting them, and I didn't want one. The girls were pushy, and all I kept saying is ‘no thanks.’ Somehow, that got turned into ‘get away, whores’ when he got on the radio.
“Howard likes drama, real or created. It makes for good radio. That's all well and good, but I choose not to be put on the defensive for something that I never did. Also, I've got a real pet peeve with the whole ‘you hate women’ tag. It's a weak line that people will throw around to try to define someone, often if they don't like or have a problem with dumb or obnoxious chicks. If you have a problem with dumb dudes, no one ever says that ‘you hate men,’ but you get in one argument with a pushy cunt and that's the cop out they'll always try to use. It's like a lazy black guy that gets reprimanded at work for doing a shitty job, and he cries that the reason he's getting in trouble is because the boss doesn't like black people.
“When you've got a guy that you respect and admire, and you've done his show a bunch of times you think that you're friends. Then, when that guy turns on you and talks shit about you, especially shit that's not true, it's a gross feeling. I'm a loyal friend, and that shit means a lot to me.
“If I had a friend outside of show business and he gave a distorted account of me like that, I would stop hanging around with him, and I wouldn't trust him anymore. I treat my friends in show business the same way I treat my friends in real life.
“As for Howard, I have no ill feelings. I was always a huge fan of the show, and it was an honor to be on it. When I decided to avoid doing the show after this, I started doing Opie and Anthony, and I really enjoyed their show. Jim Norton is a buddy of mine from way back when we both were starting out as stand ups, and I really fucking love being on that show. Plus, I think Norton is the funniest guy on radio. I'll probably do Stern again sometime, I just thought that whole situation was really weak, and I didn't want to be a part of it...
“I still listen to Stern all the time, and I think it's a great show. I've always considered him to be the Johnny Carson of my era. In past eras it was HUGE to get on the tonight show with Johnny and have him ask you to sit on the couch. In my generation, it's Stern. He's the King for a reason. No hate, I just don't feel like being a part of the kind of shit I described….”
Joe would copy and paste his response on the Official Joe Rogan Forum along with a small update:
“ In reading the post back after flying across the Atlantic Ocean (on my way to UFC in Belfast) I had time to think about it, and I think there definitely could be a very convincing argument that I had sand in my vagina when I made it, but I did make it, so i left it up.
“I'm certainly not trying to get in some sort of a battle with a guy that's helped me out, and a guy that I respect very much….”
Joe Rogan would go on to be very complimentary of Stern in the following years. Even when Howard would go on to attack close friend Ari Shaffir about the legitimacy of podcasts, Rogan would continue to show his appreciation for the self appointed King of All Media.
Vinny Favale would continue to take shots at Rogan after his show absence. In a conversation that would take place on March 9, 2005, Gary would question Vinny’s expertise on everything network TV. “I was watching Fear Factor in syndication yesterday on UPN and you told Joe Rogan that show was done, it had a few months left, and it was over”. Vinny, notorious for being the ultimate company man responded, “That show is not a hit though… Where is Joe Rogan? You don’t see him anywhere”.
Rogan would go on to be on of the most listened to voices in the world with the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Vinny Favale would later be pushed out of CBS after allegations of misconduct, which included talking to fellow employees about his erections. New Late Show host Stephen Colbert would distance himself from the creator of the infamous Debbie tapes. “He [Favale] basically came with the building when I got this show...”
If you've enjoyed this, I've also written other original behind the scene rundowns of moments in show history: The Story of Double A: From Grand Jury Indictment to Stern Show Outcast. The Story Of Robin's Intern and the SiriusXM Class Action Lawsuit: "I Was Injured Getting Howard His Fruit Salad..." The Story of Howard vs. CBS: Complete Breakdown of the 2006 Lawsuit. The Story of Steve Langford: Kicked Out Before He Could Leave The Story of Teddy "Microphone": How an eBay auction led to his Stern Show exit. The Story Behind Howard playing the Scarecrow in Batman 5. Story of Sussy: The HowardTV member who left the show to ride a bike and eventually start his own farming business. "Jane": A breakdown of Howard's 1997 sophomore movie that never was, starring Melanie Griffith.
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Aerophobia – Patient Record LSA6041778-W

Patient Name: Lucan-Smith, Autumn
Age: 37
Sex: Female
Diagnosis: Aerophobia; fear of flying.
The following is a speech to text transcript spanning multiple sessions between Patient LSA6041778-W and Dr. H. Phineas Denton, who has annotated it with his own notes. The passenger manifest of Patient LSA6041778-W’s ill-fated flight suggests another candidate of interest may have been present. This, however, is likely a coincidence, as neither case has an obvious link.
Agent 11 recovered these from a locked desk drawer in Denton’s home office in Boulder City, NV. Denton reported a robbery when he returned home from running errands. Recommend retraining or reassignment for Agent 11.
Ms. Lucan-Smith was removed from Southwest Airlines flight 712 in a sorry state. My patient was hyperventilating to the point of losing consciousness, reawakening, and beginning the process again. I hesitate to call the period between passing out a "lucid" state because her extreme phobia had rendered her unable to respond to any stimulus. She whispered "no" to herself repeatedly, shaking and crying, until her body went limp for a few moments. I wasn't present for this, myself, but I have watched footage sent over from McCarran Airport. By the time Ms. Lucan-Smith arrived at my office, she was no longer panicking but the extreme fear had exhausted her. She fell asleep several times while we talked before I decided to end the session.
Denton: Hi, Ms. Smith. I’m Dr. Denton. Before we get started, can I get you a water or a soda?
Lucan-Smith has her arms wrapped around her even though, in typical Vegas fashion, it is decidedly warm outside. Her eyes are red and she has a tissue clutched in one fist.
Lucan-Smith: It’s Lucan-Smith, actually. Hyphenated. I wanted to keep my maiden name for my work. And nothing, thank you. I’m fine.
Denton: I’m going to grab a cherry Pepsi for myself. What line of work are you in?
Lucan-Smith sits in the large, plush chair I keep in the corner of the room. Patients with anxiety – though not claustrophobic patients – usually choose that chair.
Lucan-Smith: Physics. Well, physics with a little geology, actually. I investigate light diffraction in different types of crystals. Lately, I’ve been looking at ambient light data from NOAA satellites and how it relates to crystalline structures in local geologic features.
Denton: Well, that’s… pretty fascinating, actually. What is the NOAA?
Lucan-Smith slowly releases herself from her own embrace as she talks. I hand her a bottle of water as I return from my mini-fridge and she leans forward to accept it.
Lucan-Smith: The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration. They own the National Weather Service and all the… network of satellites up there collecting terabytes of data every day. It’s a really valuable resource.
Denton: It sounds that way. I might ask you to tell me more about your work off the clock. I bet you’ve got some findings you’re dying to tell someone who will listen.
She smiles.
Lucan-Smith: I do.
Denton: So. You had an eventful flight.
Lucan-Smith: You could say that.
Denton: What I got from the EMTs says another passenger – man, I really shouldn’t say this since I’m a mental health professional – another passenger went nuts and tried to open the door of your plane. My god. And then he was restrained by three flight attendants.
Lucan-Smith: He got free at one point and went for the emergency release handle again.
Denton: Jesus. Sorry, excuse my language. That’s just-
Lucan-Smith: Oh, it’s fine. I said a lot worse on the plane.
I nod, trying to convey approval and acceptance at that. I can’t say I would have done different.
Denton: And then what happened?
Her bottle of water slips out of her hands and falls to floor as her eyes shut briefly.
Lecan-Smith: Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just so tired. You wanted to know about after he, uh, after they got him. I… Well, I’ve never been good at flying. My dad flew a lot when I was a kid and I remember being creeped out by the whole thing. I have to pop a Xanax or two every time I fly and, I know this is bad, but I chase it with a beer when I’m really shaky. When that guy tried to open the door, though, I couldn’t keep my mind off all the horrible things that could happen. They just kept fucking popping in there. Everyone getting sucked out the door, heads slamming against the frame and exploding in a mess of blood and brains. The plane depressurizing and freezing everyone to death. A body going through the engine and fucking it like those geese in that Sully Sullenberger plane, then the whole plane falling. What it would feel like in my stomach. What I would see out the window, all those green and tan squares growing like a bad acid trip. Wanting desperately to die so I didn’t have to watch my fate race up at me. And then fire. If I survived the crash, burning to death in jet fuel.
Lucan-Smith: It just kept playing on repeat like a DVD menu from hell. And when it stopped, I was in an ambulance on my way to the psych ward at Desert Springs. Then I called up my insurance and ended up here.
I need to note here that my patient is describing psychosis. While commonly associated with severe mental illnesses, use of some controlled substances, and even types of meditation, it can be a symptom of an extremely stressful episode. In short, Autumn’s consciousness was not present in the physical world. She was elsewhere, in nightmare land. Prior to Autumn, I have never come across a patient with a phobia so severe it brought on a fully psychotic episode. This is a profound case of aerophobia.
Denton: You said flying’s always been tough for you. Do you remember a time when it was ever easier? What I mean is, did it become less scary for a time and then become scarier after, say, really bad turbulence? Or maybe it gets scarier every time?
Lucan-Smith: I think it’s gotten worse…
Her eyes fall shut again for about half a second before she jerks herself awake.
Lucan-Smith: Whoa. Oh my gosh, I’m sorry! I think it’s gotten worse each time I set foot on an airplane. Maybe I think my time is closer to being at hand after each successful landing. How many do I get?
Her eyes flutter.
Denton: Ms. Lucan-Smith – Autumn – you’ve had a rough day. I have a free appointment tomorrow at 11. Why don’t you come back then? No charge for today’s visit.
Autumn leaves and I have my secretary call to book her a cheap room for the night. It’s at a casino and probably stinks of cigarettes and buffet farts, but it’s cheap. The next session is fairly uneventful; Autumn tells me about her past history with flying which is, predictably, troubled. In phobia cases, I usually try to use either exposure therapy (gradually easing the patient into their discomfort zone) or implosion therapy (exposing the patient to the most extreme version of their discomfort). These are both behaviorist methods and the best tool for the job depends on both the patient’s personality and the nature of the fear. For Autumn, however, I don’t think either will work. She just experienced the most extreme aerophobic implosion therapy I can imagine and came out much worse than she went in.
I’m not a Freudian psychologist, and I often think hypnotherapy has a lot in common with good fertilizer: they’re both bullshit. Autumn did, however, mention that her father flew a lot for work and that she used to go with him. She wasn’t scared of flying as a very young child, but started to associate negative emotions with it around age 7 or 8. I have to wonder if one of those early flights ran into a problem she’s either forgotten or doesn’t want to remember.
Autumn is effectively stuck in Nevada while her husband and son are in Tallahassee, FL with Autumn’s mother-in-law. She desperately wants to be with them, and I can understand that. I want to help her be able to board a flight and find comfort with her family. With that in mind, I call Derek Proschutz, a friend from graduate school who practices more new-agey remedies like meditation. And hypnosis. I drive Autumn to Derek’s office – one corner of which is so crowded with incense sticks it looks like the Tunguska forest, post-explosion – and watch over the procedure.
Proschutz: She’s under now. It’s not like you see on TV, Phin. You can still talk and interact like normal, she’s just very relaxed. Very… ‘reflective’ is the appropriate word, I think. Don’t bring the energy up too much; if she gets frightened or finds something funny, we’ll have to put her under again.
Denton: Autumn, I want you to consider those plane flights-
Proschutz: I’m going to bring in some lavender essential oils to create a nice atmosphere.
Denton: Uh, sure. Good idea. Autumn, think about the flights with your dad when you were very young. Remember the clothes you wore, the games you took with you, what you wanted to watch on-
Proschutz: Phin, would you like some rooibos tea for your session?
Denton: Uh… No, man. We’re… I’m good.
Proschutz: Remember, keep the energy low. You seem like you’re getting worked up.
Collaboration is hard sometimes.
Denton: What was your father like, Autumn?
Lucan-Smith: Did you ever read The Great Gatsby?
Denton: The green light over the bay. Yes.
Lucan-Smith: Do you remember the billboard? The oculist?
Denton: Doctor T. J. Eckleburg.
Lucan-Smith: I knew I liked you for a reason. Yeah, him. The description of the billboard always reminded me of my father. Good old Guy Lucan. He was bald with two intelligent, judgmental eyes behind round wire frames.
Denton: The two of you didn’t get along?
Lucan-Smith: We did when I was young. I think he joked around a lot more back then. Or maybe I just didn’t know what normal human behavior was like and I felt comfortable around him because he was my dad. When I got older, though, nothing was good enough for him. My math grades weren’t high enough, I didn’t run fast enough in track. He wanted me to go into anthropology because the “real mysteries of humanity lay there.” To almost everyone else, physics is the hard science and anthro the soft. To Guy Lucan, it was the opposite. And his taste in friends ran contrary to typical common sense, too. Anyone you saw on the street or tucked away in, like, a strange voodoo shop that you might think looked creepy, or molester-ish, or unibomber-esque, they were my dad’s best buds. And not just weirdos, but criminals. Dangerous people. He’s dead now, and I’m sure that’s why.
Is this falling out with her father the real story here? Did that sour her to flying and magnify every negative aspect about it? If so, could that even help in rehabilitating her?
Denton: Think about the last time you had fun on a trip with him. Where were you going?
Lucan-Smith: We… I think we were coming back from Mexico. I remember him teaching me how to say “Jalisco”. So I guess we were in Guadalajara. That makes sense because I remember seeing a picture of Felix Gallardo, the leader of the fucking Guadalajara Cartel, on America’s Most Wanted or something and feeling like I knew him. “Mom,” I said, “that’s Don Felix, dad’s friend!” She turned the TV off. I think she already knew, though. They were separated about 6 months after that.
Lucan-Smith: Anyway, we had just met with Don Felix. He and my dad drank tequila from the bottle with the worm and joked through the night. Then Don Felix waved over two jacked dudes who set a big army duffel bag on the table. My dad unzipped it to find dozens of carved figurines. You know those Olmec heads? Small versions of those, some freaky-faced suns, Mayan 2012 death calendars, these striated ovals that looked like they were made out of obsidian. They made me feel bad when I looked at them, like I had walked in on someone changing. My dad’s pilot brought a case of money to the table and then there was more drinking and laughing.
Denton: Then you went to the plane?
Lucan-Smith: Yeah, then we got back in the plane and took off from a dirt strip in a cotton field. It was bumpy. Then…
Autumn is quiet for a long time. I don’t want to interrupt her thought process but I begin to wonder if she’s fallen asleep again.
Lucan-Smith: Lightning! There’s lightning but I can see stars. The plane starts to shake. I get out of my seat and lay on the floor on top of one of dad’s bags. I have my cheek pushed against the blue notebook he tapped against his thigh when he was on the phone. It smells like – ugh – mildew and wet dirt. Or creosote mixed with rotting fruit?
Lucan-Smith: The pilot, he sees me. He turns around and says, “Honey, I need you to get back in your seat and buckle the belt, ok? We’ll be fine but you could fall and get a scrape on your knee. How about you come up here with me and read one of your story books?” His name was George, I think.
Lucan-Smith: I go up to the front with George and then I can see the clouds. Weird, sulfurous clouds swirling around us. They looked like cartoon pollution clouds from Captain Planet. The plane shook harder in the storm and-
Autumn goes silent again. I try to ask a question but she holds up a hand like she’s on the phone. Then she opens her eyes.
Lucan-Smith: I think I’m fully awake now. I remember what happened to George, though. He hit his head against the glass when the plane jerked. I could see a smear of blood when he slumped in his seat. My dad pulled George out of the seat and took the wheel. I know you’re supposed to call it a stick in a plane, but this one actually looked like a wheel. The storm cleared up and we landed. George was dead.
Denton: One of the vivid thoughts you pictured on the Southwest flight was people banging their heads against the door frame. I wonder if it came from this?
Lucan-Smith: The way the lightning flashed through the blood, like red cello paper… Some of the blood I imagined did flow far enough to cover the windows. Yeah; it looked just like that. I remember dreaming about this, about George, but I thought… I thought I made it up. Just a nightmare.
Proschutz: Would you like to go back under?
Lucan-Smith: No, I think I want to go back to my hotel room. I don’t feel very well.
I drove Autumn back to the Circus Circus. It was a quiet ride, Autumn’s eyes stared out the windshield, unfocused and unseeing. Presumably, she was reliving her childhood memories.
The next morning, I had missed a call from Autumn. Her husband and son were flying back from Florida to their new home in Oregon. It was the first time any of them would actually see the house – they had moved to accommodate Autumn’s new job at OSU – and she wanted to be there with them. She did say there was a silver lining to being stranded in Las Vegas; she didn’t have to go on her son’s first airplane ride with him where he could pick up all her anxieties and phobias. I had to agree.
Autumn wanted to try implosion therapy and recreate the conditions of that last flight she took with her father. I had mentioned in our second session that I knew a Cessna pilot who helped me treat fear of flying. When I told her I would have to ask about the pilot’s schedule, Autumn told me money was no object; if the pilot could be free today with a five thousand dollar bonus, that was best. I didn’t peg Autumn as someone with a lot of extra money, so I knew her desire to see her family was strong. She wanted to conquer her fears so she could go home. It was brave and noble. I told her I’d see what I could do.
As luck would have it, Elisa Maldonado was free. She had been fine tuning her plane’s engine – a task she seemed to be in the middle of every time I called her – and stopped for a quick breakfast at the airport café. We had a delay of about an hour while Elisa filed our flight manifest, but we were in the air before lunch.
Lucan-Smith: You know, I remembered some weird things but I think playing with my Teddy Ruxpin while my dad partied with a drug kingpin is probably the weirdest one. Maybe not the most mentally scarring. But definitely weird.
Denton: Maybe your dad was more Meyer Wolfsheim than T. J. Eckleburg?
Autumn laughs and leans back in her seat. We’re ascending through minor turbulence and she doesn’t seem phased. I’m proud of her but also astounded. From psychosis to complete serenity after one hypnotherapy treatment? If anything, Autumn seemed impatient.
Maldonado: Phineas, get up here.
Denton: Something wrong?
Maldonado: Look at that shit. Fucking thunderstorm erupted out of nothing as soon as we hit 7,000 feet. Looks like it’s blowing right toward us.
Denton: Can we go around it or land?
Maldonado: I’m going to try to go around it. Landing might be hard because it’s a congested time. Especially with that bitch of a storm rolling in.
Denton: Autumn, I have some bad news. There’s a storm heading our way.
Lucan-Smith: I know. Very yellow, right? Cartoon pollution?
I looked out the cockpit window again. She was right.
Denton: Yes.
Lucan-Smith: Look, Dr. Denton, I think I should come clean about yesterday. When I said my dad partying with Don Felix was the weirdest thing I remembered, you didn’t know that there was a lot of competition for that top spot.
Lucan-Smith: George died, yeah, but… The artifacts my dad got from the drug dealers. The ones that made me feel weird, the black eggs? They started shaking before the plane. Before the lightning. Obviously I was too young to make a connection at the time, but I think they were calling to something. It’s simple physics; the more altitude you give a transmitter, the farther it can reach. There are fewer obstacles in the way to impede the signal.
Lucan-Smith: That’s what happened with those eggs. And the feeling changed. At the villa, I felt like I was watching it. As the plane shook, I felt like they were watching me. And what they were thinking… it wasn’t good.
Maldonado: What the fuck did you get me into, Phineas? I’ve never seen a storm move like this. It’s like it’s got goddamn fingers reaching out at us!
Lucan-Smith: When my dad realized what was happening, he had me lay down on the bag of trinkets to keep them still. He pulled out a little walkie-talkie and started screaming into it. “Camelot! Camelot! Come in, damn you! I have Items 26 and 27 but we’re under attack. I think it might be some kind of sonic weapon. Was there any chatter stateside about my mission? Camelot?” It was like he was playing soldier.
Denton: Autumn, why didn’t you tell me this? Was he part of a DEA operation or something?
The turbulence in our own plane was considerable. The midday light that had been streaming through the windows had faded to a sickly mustard color and I could hear Elisa cursing as she fought with the controls in the cockpit.
Lucan-Smith: I didn’t go to the cockpit with George to read then; he was too busy fighting to keep the plane stable. I stayed in the back with Dad, who told me to put the black eggs in my dress pockets. When the yellow clouds swirling around our plane started to seep in under the doors and seams in the bolted hull, I was right there laying on top of the army duffel bag. The fog streamed past my face – fast enough to sound like a Coke can opening in slow motion – and coalesced into a misty, malformed body, like a hologram projected onto dry ice smoke.
Lucan-Smith: It touched my father’s hand, almost like a handshake, and he writhed in pain. When he finally extricated himself from it, his hand dripped with blood. The nails were gone. And then it spoke.
Lucan-Smith: “Guy Lucan. You owe me life. You took my body from me and now,” the cloud raised one tendril that was polka-dotted with gory fingernails, “I take yours.”
Lucan-Smith: My dad looked in my direction. “Go, Autumn. Give those to George.” I left but, behind me, I could hear him say, “I have the vessels. You need them to walk the earth again. Isn’t that right, Safir? Kill me and you get nothing.”
Lucan-Smith: “Where?” it asked.
Lucan-Smith: My dad called for George to set the autopilot and join him in the back. I was crouched on the floor, peeking around the corner. George put on a brave face and puffed out his chest as he strode toward whatever cotton candy demon he was going to face down with my father. My father put a hand on George’s shoulder. One single pat. Then he threw open the airplane door and kicked George out. His head cracked against the bulkhead and blood splattered across the window. I rushed to the cockpit window to see him. I had just handed George the two black eggs and I could see one spiral out of his coat pocket as he fell, shrinking into the yellow void. The mist itself chased down after George, save for the ghoul wearing my father’s hastily removed fingernails. “This will be the last time you trick me, Lucan,” it said. “I will have Lucan blood. I will wear Lucan flesh. If not yours, then someone you love. Your bloodline will end, Guy Lucan.”
Lucan-Smith: “You’d better not let the vessels fall so low you can’t catch them,” was all my father said in return. He flew the rest of the way back, talking on his radio and reading out of the blue book that stank like a grave.
Denton: Autumn, I think this might be your psychosis manifesting itself again. We’re in a plane, it’s a stressful event, you’re distracting yourself from real life.
Lucan-Smith: No, Dr. Denton, I’m not. Something happened on that Southwest flight. I heard a voice, something whispering ‘Safir’ to me. It was important. It felt like something was coming and… and all I could see were plane crashes clouding the inside of my brain. I think it was a message. Safir is back and he’s going to follow through on his threat. Lucan blood will be spilled.
I shook my head and stood up. Maybe I was wrong about Autumn. Maybe she wasn’t a mentally healthy woman with a severe phobia capable of producing psychoses. Maybe the psychoses and the phobia were driven by some deeper, insidious disorder I had missed.
Lucan-Smith: And my son goes on his first flight today. In two and a half hours. He and I are the only Lucans left. If I didn’t convince you to get me up here, Safir would be coming for him. But, instead, he’s here.
As she says this, Autumn points at the seam of the Cessna door where thick yellow smoke pours into the cabin.
Lucan-Smith: You helped me realize what was actually going on. Thank you.
Golden strands of cloudy haze wrapped themselves around Autumn’s torso, enveloping her.
Lucan-Smith: Hey, now you’re Nick. You’re the outsider who gets to peek in. See you ‘round, Old Sport.
Autumn was entirely obscured from my sight, then the mist filled the cabin entirely. It was so dense I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. Then, as if a switch flipped, it was gone. The sky outside the plane was clear and there was no turbulence.
Maldonado: What in the actual shit was that? Phineas, how long do you think we've been up here?
Denton: I don’t… Autumn?
Maldonado: Feels like about a half hour to me. Maybe forty-five minutes. Right, Phineas?
Denton: Yeah. I'd say so. Autumn, where are you? Did you fall out of your seat?
Maldonado: All my clocks show we've been up here two hours. Two hours! But we've still got a full tank of gas. How does that happen?
Denton: Interesting. Autumn? Elisa, where the hell is Autumn?
Maldonado: Your patient is gone? Did- Holy shit, did she fall out? What the fuck?
When Elisa and I finally landed, Elisa’s Cessna was seized for a ‘quarantine watch’. Whatever that is. I don’t know how they knew where to find us, or how they even knew they should. ‘They’ didn’t even tell us who they were. I didn’t report Autumn missing until we were on the ground and the police didn’t know anything about it. So whoever showed up in black SUVs certainly was not LVPD.
The police questioned Elisa and me intensively, but ultimately decided we didn’t have anything to do with the disappearance. No one had fallen onto the Strip from eight thousand feet. Autumn just vanished.
Additional note: Several patient files are missing from my filing cabinet at the Las Vegas office. I’ve moved this file to my home office for safety. I’m probably being paranoid, but I can’t shake the feeling there’s a connection between the missing files and the seizure of Elisa’s plane.
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